A few weeks ago , a mathematical group of io9 staffers ( including yours truly ) were engaging in some in truth rarefy preaching — which skill fiction theatrical role we ’d like to os would make the ultimate valentine . I do n’t remember which names were kick around about , butMan - east - Faces , Bib Fortuna , andClarence Boddickerwere ( definitely not ) on the short list .
Anyhow , when it was my turn to name a comic book damsel to court with a full - corporal muscatel and two tickets to Mummenschanz , I was flummoxed . Who to pick?Jim Lee - epoch Psylocke?I - Ching Wonder Woman ? Jack Kirby - eraGranny Goodness ? The choice were host , to say the least .
After some thrifty slowness , I had my perfect date : J’onn J’onzz , the Martian Manhunter . I make this seems like a strange option for a heterosexual male person , and yes , I ’m cognisant that he resembles the outlawed spawn of Mr. Clean and the Jolly Green Giant . But hear me out — your gender , sexual predilection , or particular wrick do n’t count when it come to my favorite Martian . Allow me to elaborate why he ’s the Manhunter of everybody ’s dreams .
1 . ) The Martian Manhunter is a shapeshifter .
He can transubstantiate into any human , extraterrestrial , or tetrapod you need . Tawny Kitaen inWhitesnake ’s “ Here I Go Again?”Boom . Bobbie Brown inWarrant ’s “ Cherry Pie?”Blammo . David Lee Roth in“Just a Gigolo?”Natch . None of these are a problem . He can be anyone you need him to be ; he is polymorphic perverseness personified . But hold off ? How does he know what your summer fling from your 2004 family reunification in Grand Forks look like ? Well …
That ’s correct . He can become your ex-wife . He can become your X ’s ex . All he demand to do is reach into your memory bank and pluck the mental image correctly out . And do n’t worry about an awkward conversation involve twist or unique intimate proclivities — the Manhunter already have sex what rest in the corners of your lousy mind . If you get off on vintageFrank Miller , Ovaltine , and knifeplay , that barefaced , beautiful bastard knows . And he ’ll indulge you . Why ?
3 . ) The Martian Manhunter is a mensch .
The Martian Manhunter is oft regarded as one of the dainty superheroes out there . He does n’t have Superman ’s prudishness , Batman ’s megalomania , The Flash ’s raging meth addiction , or the haunting and unshakeable aroma of Labatt Blue that follow Wolverine wherever he goes . His worst addiction is cookie , and his only weakness is ardour ( calculate on who ’s writing him , of course ) . He ’s as powerful as Superman , has the powerto make the Joker sane , and , in the DC Universe , is more popular than Superman overseas ( so cosmopolitan ) . If there ’s any superhero who ’s — in the Scripture of Dan Savage — good , gift , and game , it ’s this superhero . He ’ll also never relegate your meat like other shapeshifters ( Mystique , Martia from Star Trek VI ) . How come ?
4 . ) The Martian Manhunter believes in commitment .
J’onn J’onnz was a family man … before a scientist ’s experiment whisked him forth to Earth and his intact species went extinct ( well , with elision of nutty Green Martian namedD’Kay D’Razz , but that ’s a complex situation ) . The outlander ’s had painfully few relationships throughout his laughable book career , so you know he ’s not going to leave you for Lobo or something .
5 . ) The Martian Manhunter has dulcet pipes .
On Justice League Unlimited , he speak with the solace barytone of Carl Lumbly ( a.k.a . M.A.N.T.I.S. ) . So yes , there ’s really no reason why the Martian Manhunter should n’t be on top of your to - do list . Unless you happen to be prejudiced against Martians , and trust me , he ’s not the H.G. Wells kind . He can be whomever you require him to be , but you wo n’t want him to be anyone but himself .
[ Top image viaPlastic Fetish ’s Flickr ; middle figure viakalelnc ]
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